EUCHARISTIC ADORATION by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 24

There in the nave of Ave Maria Cathedral
Kneeling on their bumpy bony knees
The Adoration of Agnus Dei society
Knelt, prayed, thrashed each other
All vying to be more God-fearing, more
Gay-hating, more Woman-bashing
Than his whip-wielding neighbor.

Newt Gingrich came in with Callista
She was dressed as Joan of Arc
Carrying a stake followed by six Agnus Dei students
from Georgia, and a pile of faggots
(not to be confused with their pals)
They were prepared to burn Callista at the stake
Right there in the nave of Ave Maria
Terrified, she pantsed Newt before all and sundry
Pried open his enormous anus malformatus
Used her nose for a probe. Newt waved to the crowd
Promised he and Callista would start their Moon Colony
Before November; and, if elected, the price of gas
Would revert to 25 cents a gallon The way it had been
Under Ike.

The crowd roared. Then Sam Brownback Governor
of Kansas came in with his retinue 25 members of the
Shawnee Tribe near Topeka; to a man they stripped
to red white & blue thongs and lacerated poor Sam
Which amused Catholics in Topeka; they remembered
When switch-hittin' Sam was a Democrat.

Then the crowd went wild as Rick Santorum, his skanky
wife (who looks like she has been squeezed out of a tube
of toothpaste) and his seven malnourished children (same)
paraded in to the cheers of the foule. The Archbishop of
Kansas City elevated the Host; it was a dildo in the shape
of Santorum's penis.

A small Host, but a Host nonetheless. Newt cringed as
Callista once again used her letter opener nose on his
fundament; Brownback's blood was running in the aisle
of Pew Seven.

All screamed:

AGNUS DEI! AGNUS DEI! AGNUS DEI!

Now we know where this is going. Not to the White House.
What happened to Rick Santorum as an altar boy? Wanna guess?

Yeah. You're right. That's why MAN ON DOG is a mild
epithet coming from his bee stung lips.

Draw your own conclusions.

WAITING FOR THE DOUGH by Wagenblatz

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CHRIST CLIMBED DOWN by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 13*

Christ climbed down off the cross this year
To see what the Teaparty Right had wrought
Curious to discover how many rightwing wonks
Were taking his Blessed Name in vain

Rambled and gambled among Republicans
Donald Trump puffed himself up
flush with self-congratulation. Herman Cain
Climbed off his latest blond conquest

To give his endorsement. Saw the first flight
Air Vladivostok nonstop to Anchorage
Saw Sarah Palin out in her backyard
Shooting at it Incensed that a Russian
Aircraft would enter her space

Went on to Minnesota where Michele Bachmann
Busied herself saving gays from themselves
Her fat husband threw himself down on his knees
Mouth watering, hands trembling, to unzip
The fly of his latest victim

Trolled on to Texas Good ole Ricky Perry
Extolled gayness as a sickness Still threatening
To make Texas secede if he does not get his way
Christ gave Rick a good smack on his secretly boned butt
Passed on

To the Newt Gingrich Show Newt was holding forth
Shlocking his latest historical tome on the Second World War
Brushing the ashes of his first two wives whom he betrayed
With skinny Calista, off his desk to make room for contributions

Passed on to Mitt's new house in Escondido Saw
The tight white family all down on their knees praying
Youngest boy had a bottle of Coca-Cola. dad took the cap
Off the bottle with his tight anus. Christ passed on

To Jon Huntsman still trying to prise a ton more of money
Out of his billionaire father Realizing the Teaparty Right
Will not cotton to him He's Mormon He's intelligent
He will not kiss Trump's ass He can actually construct
A simple sentence without a ghostwriter unlike Mitt
or Newt

His cause is hopeless Republicans are hung up
On Ignorance Christ threw up his hands
Crawled back into Mary's imaginary Womb for another year
When Obama will light the 99% fuse Blow them all to fuck


*thanks to the great Lawrence Ferlinghetti for this juicy idea

GETTING LAID IN DECEMBER by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 12

Getting laid in December
Is a very chancy piece of work
Come on hot & bothered
They think you're some kind of jerk
Walk the streets of Barbara Town
Bulge out to HERE
Stupid man! Advertising your panic
and that you're more than queer

Take it easy!
All good things come to those who wait
Should put a little flex in your pecs
and a spring in your gait
You go off to the deckstore
Looking for Just That Certain Table
The hairy guy with the big hands
Looks way more than cape-able
Sells much more than chairs & tables
or play tennis or golf
Looks like he could unfreeze the dead
and drain this hungry wolf.

His eyelashes move up & down
He takes your postdated check
His Man Thing rides way up in his jeans
Breathes hot & heavy on your neck
See his Man Thing ridin up
Inside his tighty whities
Your Man Thing rides up as well
Your Mouse is more than Mighties

Checkin out your outrageous nips
The way the fur spills out of your shirt
Your Man Thing has become so large
Damn thing is beginning to hurt

Sign the check for the stuff for the deck
Wait till 3 in the Aft
Hairy Guy sends along his Grunt
Who looks like he could give you the shaft
Six foot two just like you
Thick fur spillin out of his collar
He's the Real Thing for your Ding-a-ling
Sound as a Coolidge dollar

Gives you a whack at his hairy buttcrack
As you spot your old orange umbrella
In the new table set, how good does it get
With this roistering well endowed fella?

Guess I'll have to wait till January
To doublegang these sturdy fellows
ain't gettin any action on this Suction Pump
Cojones are blown up like bellows
Nips erect like javelins
Looks like they're threatening to explode
Have to Skype for one of my type
So I can lose this dangerous load

Wait till it's January to get nice & hairy
With these nice & hairy Merry Men
It's so damn hard to get laid in December
When it's damned old Santa all over again!

CRAIGSLIST MONEYSUCKERS by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 11

There's a housewife in far Abilene
Whose pursuits are essentially unclean
She rinses off tripes from her old babywipes
And sells the wipes on the old Craigslist scheme!

In Montecito a man called Perdue
Put his foot into some other shoe
If your chops get all wettish , offers up a foot fetish
With Craigslist providing the clue.

In Santa Barbara some twins named de Paul
Offer twin pleasures ... or nothing at all
While Betty gives head Barb is waiting in bed
For a check. Or your fast VISA scrawl.

Down in Texas in downscale Odessa
There's a haughty old babe named Contessa
she'll sell, on a dare, her mom's old Tupperware
Then check in with her Catholic confessor!

But the best of this lot is those guys
Under rainy Wenatchee Wash skies
Who will offer you blisses from both orifices
And an apple to top off the prize.

If you want either virgins or truckers
You can sort out all these motherfuckers
You can bet that they all will answer your call
These intrepid Craigslist Moneysuckers!

LEFTOVERS by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 10

In the debris after Thanksgiving dinner
I examine my cojones for heft
And examine the thing that swings in between
To see if there's any juice left

Yes!
The Turkey has taken the spunk from its trunk
Cranberry sauce has rouged up the potatoes
And because I like Roughing I'm considering stuffing
Some post-prandial Thanksgiving tomatoes.

Like that Fuzzy Red Man in Chicago
Who shows the red fur in his crack
...and not to be rude, there's that hot Westside Dude
who carries Long Beach on his back.

And over in Bennington Vermont
Is that big Dunhambear in November
Who shows off his chops until his stuff drops
And exhibits the most of his member.

Then there is hot Voglioquello
Known as Cicciotano to some
Who creates a few ripples by showing his nipples
And the thick silky hair on his bum

All of these are Leftovers from some Man Feast
Full of fury and folly and Might
Where we all think it's neat to just munch what we eat
And we all have a big Overbite

But before I dismiss all these agents of bliss
I'll direct you to Fiftyhot in WeHo
Who exists in the shock of a beautiful cock
and a proclivity to give the last Blow

Before we just skate on to Christmas
I'm not immune to any allure
So just grab me by my tuchus, take me into a nuchus
And drive that Thing home when you're sure

That I'm not just another of all your Leftovers
In case you are getting my Dreft
I'm not the kind of base lover to stay undercover
And just let you take what is left!

So take my green eyes, take my strong arms for their size
And without even making a pause
You might just prepare to be willing to share
These Leftovers with Ole Santy Claus!

VIRGIN (AGAIN) by Dennis Doph aka Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 8

Oh
Thanks to the Newt who sure acts kinda cute
When you throw him a gift card from Tiffany's
And thanks to Santorum who knows how to bore 'em
With tales of his Faith and his stiff knees

Thanks to Big Mitt who, while pausing to spit,
straps the dog to his car like a rube
And to Big Herman Cain, while augmenting his name
Thinks Libya is some kind of lube.

And to home schooled Michele while she's giving us hell
Accusing us all of being rank Socialists
Brushing her tresses, busting out of her dresses
While her husband is dropping his wrists.

Though I may be Low Rent I'm a solid 99%
And we'll rule when this fracas is done
So chop off Iraq and that dull Afghan shack
and those suckers whose percentage is One.

To hell with those weasels who drill for more diesels
While fracking is whacking these men
Our sweet apertures have been abused by these boors
Though it's nice to be virgin (again).