FANFARRON by Dennis Doph (Wagenblatz)

Parallel Universe. 31

Out of the ether of the bold Brazilian jungle
Comes the quirky term "Fanfarron"
Term used deliberately to raise a bone
In a sexual connotation one must not bungle

Term meant to be used with much asperity
To describe one who is not what he might be
Once one has seen the surface of what he might see
...but beneath that? Nothing of any clarity

Such as the brilliant superstar Madonna
Who tries to pass herself off as the Queen of Sex
She'd better be prepared to cash in her checks
Before they're cancelled. And, for her Honna
None of us could possibly disagree
She should stop making punk flicks like W/D.
Her vaginal exertions might raise a blista
She is a High megaton Fanfarronista.

Then there is the once-superboy Adam Sandler
This whey faced fool sure needs another handler
Though he thinks his boyish ways are still cute
Audiences have given this piece of dreck the boot
Before the memory of his former cuteness is gone
He can be nailed as another Fanfarron.

Then there is Doris Day; once the Pinkest of Pinks
Thirty years is a long time between drinks
Before she put her butch DA in a bun
She should have played lustful Mrs Robinson
Or stood beside those other elderly Dollies
To play the stay-at-home gal in Sondheim's Follies.
Upping the ante at 87 cannot raise that blista
She's been exposed as one more Fanfarronista.

Even more succinctly, Mitt Romney's brain is swimmin
As he endorses his party's War on Women
These bastards really should lay off this tack
What they're proposing cannot be taken back
So before he prepares to don the Presidential Robe
Let's see what his bony butt can do with a vaginal probe.
On Gingrich! On Santorum! On Karl Rove! On Donner!
They have all been outed as Fanfarroner.

ADRIENNE RICH by Dennis Doph (Wagenblatz)

Parallel Universe . 30

In all the world of poetry
From Elizabeth Bishop to Gertrude Stein
I've been able to find some little something
Which is absolutely mine
In the world of the exalted Adrienne Rich
There is no Stimulus to stim
For all of fucking Adrienne Rich
Is so goddamned fucking grim
I'd rather gag on the grossest Ferlinghetti
Than be stuffed with one more word of this Brown Betty
But I have found one thankful fact to muse upon, instead:
She is dead.
So, among life's great treasures,
Thank God for small pleasures!

NOTHING IS FOREVER by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 29

"Nothing is forever", said Bogie to Claire Trevor,
Pushing Robinson into the tub,
Out there on the floor lay Old Man Barrymore
Lying in for a lanolin rub.

"Forever is nothing," said Lionel to his sister,
As she paired off and squared off against Cary,
"For if the truth be told you are far too old
And Cary is way far too merry."

"Nothing is handy," said Cary to Randy,
As Skip Homeier crawled in between,
"and wherever we go there's always Amigo
Unzipping and gripping the scene."

So Trevor wore fuschias and Bogie got abushias
And Robinson ate his cigar,
Behind Barrymore's shiner was tiny Luise Rainer
Pretending she once was a star.

"No one is able," said wee Betty Grable,
As she reeled off some improbable names,
At the top of her flower was twee Tyrone Power
And up her bottom was Harry James.

"I'm able to dig it," said Billie at the spigot,
Preparing to tie off her arm,
But as she shot up that damned Carm MacRae pup
Proceeded to dish out the charm.

"Dig it and bury it," said Van from his chariot,
Using Hodiak's pubics for floss,
While still on his belly he was trod on by Gene Kelly
Who treated all of Metro as dross.

"Dross is so gross," cried Lansbury of Angela,
Smearing on Factor #5,
Tripping on the stair she tripped over Frank Langella
Blowing Burl when his "Ives" was only "Ive".

"I've done this before," said Big Burl to Charles Bickford,
Stepping over the Franchot of Tones,
"and once through this door we will act like before
And both shtupp Miss Jennifer Jones."

"My Jones is erected," said Gable as he connected
With loverly Marilyn at Reno.
Marilyn got even more grand as she jumped on Montand
And blew out Thelma Ritter at Keno.

Ah, big stars and little, pretentious and brittle
Rolling over each other like tanks
Where Mayer was once merry there soon was Dore Schary
Who proceeded to trim all their ranks.

"This is all kind of looney," said dear Mickey Rooney
Thinking himself an imperishable star,
Now he's a vague ninety-three, as forgotten as can be
Just as off-track as dear dead Jack Paar.

Nothing is forever in this crazy endeavor
Nothing is what it is cracked up to be
Nothing could be finer than tiny Luise Rainer
As she hoves up one One Hundred and Three
Claire Trevor was more clever but she didn't last forever
Like Luise at One Hundred and Three.

SO GODDAMNED HUNGRY by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe . 28

Slog around here with my jock in my hand
Wondering if I have disposed myself
To a life of unwanted celibacy
Nobody's hungrier than a fool like me
Gonna rip myself right off of the shelf
Terribly foolish, terribly grand

Whacked out, stressed in this Stone Dyke town
So goddamned hungry for a really hairy man
So goddamned hungry for a big thick cock
To plunge into me like a sexual rock
Wanna rub my maleness off on his tan
Milk an Assgasm off on his frown.

Tired , so tired of these Santorum nuts
Leached-out kids looking like they've been strained
Through a piece of cheesecloth like buttermilk
Like to kick each and every whelk
Whacked-out Daddy So pouty and pained
Would like to kick all of their goddamned butts.

And this piece of shit, pretending to be Yer Daddy
Expanding his La Jolla house to 8000 squares
Braggin' 'bout his buds who OWN Nascar racers
Like to use a pair of Art Gum Erasers
To rub out both of these Teaparty Squares
So proud and haughty; so Perc-Westmore ruddy

Walk the streets of sexless Santa B
Erection pushing me along State Street
Wearing out the crotch in my Territory Ahead
Walking shorts; I'd rather be dead
Than relegate myself to the lack of body heat
Needed by a great big bear like me.

So goddamned hungry! Play with me, Buck
And give yourself over to a friction fuck.

VERY VERY BIG MOUSTACHE by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe . 27

Wednesday morn we took our Prius
Down to Downtown Montecito
Von's Store there was having a sale on
Brisket of beef. Oh my!

Store spread over several pricey acres
Montecito acres. Von's far as the eye
Could see What one saw Right off the bat
Whoever had the responsibility
For hiring men They had to be
Very, very gay

Everyone from boxboys straining muscle
Under tight VON'S hoodies To section managers
Sixtysomething men in pristine white shirts
And tasteful ties, beefy shoulders flexing
Provocatively
Under pristine white

The Manager of Managers
Slight, lean, handsome, late fifties
Hairy stud top with a very very big moustache
Big hairy hands with long fingers
an amazing bulge just below the belt buckle

Knew where the Cold Room was; somehow
Was obliged to ask:
"Where is the Cold Room?"

He intoned a husky radio baritone
"Just to the left of the Cheese Bar;
Watch your step going in; it's dark."

Just what I wanted to know.

Toyed around the Cheese Bar
for a couple of minutes Making
Sixtysomething Dad with the great shoulders
Go into an agony of shoulder-flexing

Took myself into the dim recesses
Of the Cold Room, there
At the end of the aisle
With the non-alcoholic beer
The Manager of Managers stood
Stroking
His very very big moustache with one hand
An amazing rock hard penis with the other

My knees hit the floor
Faster than Monica Lewinsky
With her Kneeling Pillow in the Lincoln Room.

MEAT by Dennis Doph (Wagenblatz)

Parallel Universe. 26

My table is groaning with viands galore
The dinnerware came from the very best store
My grapes are all glittering; the pink ones are blushing
Like the blood to my cheeks which is ever more rushing
For my gluttonous dinner's going down to defeat
From the lack of the ingredient known as FRESH MEAT.

I've recently supped at the very best tables
Seen hairy calves rivalling those which were Grable's
Eaten ripples and triples of nipples at Frisco
Then Anthony took me to the Powerhouse Disco
Peeled me off a young Sicilian, erotic and sweet
And THERE was a chunk of the very best meat

But he knelt on his knees and presented his backside
Which surely was not his most out-of-whack side
Gave me his mouth which performed wondrous deeds
ALMOST all of the benison a Bully Beef needs
But this Bully Beef needs to be put into heat
By eight inches or more of miraculous meat.

Hied me down to Orange County that Republican Fief
Seeking a big chunk of social relief
From the man known as Gary with the body from hell
And a perilous penis which rings every bell
To make matters better, he brought 'long his Bud
Flashing a Meat Pie the size of a spud
Then they had at me and they had at each other
Each Bully Beef broaching the butt of his brother
Finally we were exhausted, each holding his Worm
Covered with hickies, bubbling sperm

Now I'm headed to Rome where men so hirsute
Always tempt me to push in my snoot
Into their Bearlike crevices, with my Piglike ways
To be a Rim Pig for the rest of my days
The one thing that rescues me from these ideas insular
Is the sight of a glistening Man peninsula.

Oh, Meat, Meat, you ephemeral thing
Just the ticket to make all my chimes ring
As you push your Own Self into my receptive mouth
And that other orifice located just slightly south
Nothing has me lactating than accum-commodating
Another big chunk of glorious Meat!

the ROOF OF THE CAR by Dennis Doph

Parallel Lives. 25

Oh, Mitt strapped the dog to the roof of the car.
Yes, he strapped poor Seamus to the roof of the car.
Montreal bound, Mitt had set a quota of pit stops,
Giving not one iota
While five brawling boys rode inside of the car.

Left Grosse Pointe about a quarter to one
Mitt had not planned to stop before lovely Akron
In the middle of Ohio Seamus howled like a husky
Shitted and pissed all over Sandusky
While the poor bitch was strapped to the roof of the car.

Boys saw diarrhea rolling down the side
Seamus on the roof howled and pissed and cried
Mitt cried, "Jeepers!" and "Nentely-Crima!"
Hosed the poor beast down at Lima
Leaving the poor bitch strapped to the roof of the car.

Mitt now tells us he would be the best man for the Job
Giving us corn ... also giving us the cob
Before this anecdote is effectively closed,
Tell me: who do you think will wind up getting hosed?
While we all are strapped to the roof of the car.

EUCHARISTIC ADORATION by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 24

There in the nave of Ave Maria Cathedral
Kneeling on their bumpy bony knees
The Adoration of Agnus Dei society
Knelt, prayed, thrashed each other
All vying to be more God-fearing, more
Gay-hating, more Woman-bashing
Than his whip-wielding neighbor.

Newt Gingrich came in with Callista
She was dressed as Joan of Arc
Carrying a stake followed by six Agnus Dei students
from Georgia, and a pile of faggots
(not to be confused with their pals)
They were prepared to burn Callista at the stake
Right there in the nave of Ave Maria
Terrified, she pantsed Newt before all and sundry
Pried open his enormous anus malformatus
Used her nose for a probe. Newt waved to the crowd
Promised he and Callista would start their Moon Colony
Before November; and, if elected, the price of gas
Would revert to 25 cents a gallon The way it had been
Under Ike.

The crowd roared. Then Sam Brownback Governor
of Kansas came in with his retinue 25 members of the
Shawnee Tribe near Topeka; to a man they stripped
to red white & blue thongs and lacerated poor Sam
Which amused Catholics in Topeka; they remembered
When switch-hittin' Sam was a Democrat.

Then the crowd went wild as Rick Santorum, his skanky
wife (who looks like she has been squeezed out of a tube
of toothpaste) and his seven malnourished children (same)
paraded in to the cheers of the foule. The Archbishop of
Kansas City elevated the Host; it was a dildo in the shape
of Santorum's penis.

A small Host, but a Host nonetheless. Newt cringed as
Callista once again used her letter opener nose on his
fundament; Brownback's blood was running in the aisle
of Pew Seven.

All screamed:

AGNUS DEI! AGNUS DEI! AGNUS DEI!

Now we know where this is going. Not to the White House.
What happened to Rick Santorum as an altar boy? Wanna guess?

Yeah. You're right. That's why MAN ON DOG is a mild
epithet coming from his bee stung lips.

Draw your own conclusions.

WAITING FOR THE DOUGH by Wagenblatz

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CHRIST CLIMBED DOWN by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 13*

Christ climbed down off the cross this year
To see what the Teaparty Right had wrought
Curious to discover how many rightwing wonks
Were taking his Blessed Name in vain

Rambled and gambled among Republicans
Donald Trump puffed himself up
flush with self-congratulation. Herman Cain
Climbed off his latest blond conquest

To give his endorsement. Saw the first flight
Air Vladivostok nonstop to Anchorage
Saw Sarah Palin out in her backyard
Shooting at it Incensed that a Russian
Aircraft would enter her space

Went on to Minnesota where Michele Bachmann
Busied herself saving gays from themselves
Her fat husband threw himself down on his knees
Mouth watering, hands trembling, to unzip
The fly of his latest victim

Trolled on to Texas Good ole Ricky Perry
Extolled gayness as a sickness Still threatening
To make Texas secede if he does not get his way
Christ gave Rick a good smack on his secretly boned butt
Passed on

To the Newt Gingrich Show Newt was holding forth
Shlocking his latest historical tome on the Second World War
Brushing the ashes of his first two wives whom he betrayed
With skinny Calista, off his desk to make room for contributions

Passed on to Mitt's new house in Escondido Saw
The tight white family all down on their knees praying
Youngest boy had a bottle of Coca-Cola. dad took the cap
Off the bottle with his tight anus. Christ passed on

To Jon Huntsman still trying to prise a ton more of money
Out of his billionaire father Realizing the Teaparty Right
Will not cotton to him He's Mormon He's intelligent
He will not kiss Trump's ass He can actually construct
A simple sentence without a ghostwriter unlike Mitt
or Newt

His cause is hopeless Republicans are hung up
On Ignorance Christ threw up his hands
Crawled back into Mary's imaginary Womb for another year
When Obama will light the 99% fuse Blow them all to fuck


*thanks to the great Lawrence Ferlinghetti for this juicy idea

GETTING LAID IN DECEMBER by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 12

Getting laid in December
Is a very chancy piece of work
Come on hot & bothered
They think you're some kind of jerk
Walk the streets of Barbara Town
Bulge out to HERE
Stupid man! Advertising your panic
and that you're more than queer

Take it easy!
All good things come to those who wait
Should put a little flex in your pecs
and a spring in your gait
You go off to the deckstore
Looking for Just That Certain Table
The hairy guy with the big hands
Looks way more than cape-able
Sells much more than chairs & tables
or play tennis or golf
Looks like he could unfreeze the dead
and drain this hungry wolf.

His eyelashes move up & down
He takes your postdated check
His Man Thing rides way up in his jeans
Breathes hot & heavy on your neck
See his Man Thing ridin up
Inside his tighty whities
Your Man Thing rides up as well
Your Mouse is more than Mighties

Checkin out your outrageous nips
The way the fur spills out of your shirt
Your Man Thing has become so large
Damn thing is beginning to hurt

Sign the check for the stuff for the deck
Wait till 3 in the Aft
Hairy Guy sends along his Grunt
Who looks like he could give you the shaft
Six foot two just like you
Thick fur spillin out of his collar
He's the Real Thing for your Ding-a-ling
Sound as a Coolidge dollar

Gives you a whack at his hairy buttcrack
As you spot your old orange umbrella
In the new table set, how good does it get
With this roistering well endowed fella?

Guess I'll have to wait till January
To doublegang these sturdy fellows
ain't gettin any action on this Suction Pump
Cojones are blown up like bellows
Nips erect like javelins
Looks like they're threatening to explode
Have to Skype for one of my type
So I can lose this dangerous load

Wait till it's January to get nice & hairy
With these nice & hairy Merry Men
It's so damn hard to get laid in December
When it's damned old Santa all over again!

CRAIGSLIST MONEYSUCKERS by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 11

There's a housewife in far Abilene
Whose pursuits are essentially unclean
She rinses off tripes from her old babywipes
And sells the wipes on the old Craigslist scheme!

In Montecito a man called Perdue
Put his foot into some other shoe
If your chops get all wettish , offers up a foot fetish
With Craigslist providing the clue.

In Santa Barbara some twins named de Paul
Offer twin pleasures ... or nothing at all
While Betty gives head Barb is waiting in bed
For a check. Or your fast VISA scrawl.

Down in Texas in downscale Odessa
There's a haughty old babe named Contessa
she'll sell, on a dare, her mom's old Tupperware
Then check in with her Catholic confessor!

But the best of this lot is those guys
Under rainy Wenatchee Wash skies
Who will offer you blisses from both orifices
And an apple to top off the prize.

If you want either virgins or truckers
You can sort out all these motherfuckers
You can bet that they all will answer your call
These intrepid Craigslist Moneysuckers!

LEFTOVERS by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 10

In the debris after Thanksgiving dinner
I examine my cojones for heft
And examine the thing that swings in between
To see if there's any juice left

Yes!
The Turkey has taken the spunk from its trunk
Cranberry sauce has rouged up the potatoes
And because I like Roughing I'm considering stuffing
Some post-prandial Thanksgiving tomatoes.

Like that Fuzzy Red Man in Chicago
Who shows the red fur in his crack
...and not to be rude, there's that hot Westside Dude
who carries Long Beach on his back.

And over in Bennington Vermont
Is that big Dunhambear in November
Who shows off his chops until his stuff drops
And exhibits the most of his member.

Then there is hot Voglioquello
Known as Cicciotano to some
Who creates a few ripples by showing his nipples
And the thick silky hair on his bum

All of these are Leftovers from some Man Feast
Full of fury and folly and Might
Where we all think it's neat to just munch what we eat
And we all have a big Overbite

But before I dismiss all these agents of bliss
I'll direct you to Fiftyhot in WeHo
Who exists in the shock of a beautiful cock
and a proclivity to give the last Blow

Before we just skate on to Christmas
I'm not immune to any allure
So just grab me by my tuchus, take me into a nuchus
And drive that Thing home when you're sure

That I'm not just another of all your Leftovers
In case you are getting my Dreft
I'm not the kind of base lover to stay undercover
And just let you take what is left!

So take my green eyes, take my strong arms for their size
And without even making a pause
You might just prepare to be willing to share
These Leftovers with Ole Santy Claus!

VIRGIN (AGAIN) by Dennis Doph aka Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 8

Oh
Thanks to the Newt who sure acts kinda cute
When you throw him a gift card from Tiffany's
And thanks to Santorum who knows how to bore 'em
With tales of his Faith and his stiff knees

Thanks to Big Mitt who, while pausing to spit,
straps the dog to his car like a rube
And to Big Herman Cain, while augmenting his name
Thinks Libya is some kind of lube.

And to home schooled Michele while she's giving us hell
Accusing us all of being rank Socialists
Brushing her tresses, busting out of her dresses
While her husband is dropping his wrists.

Though I may be Low Rent I'm a solid 99%
And we'll rule when this fracas is done
So chop off Iraq and that dull Afghan shack
and those suckers whose percentage is One.

To hell with those weasels who drill for more diesels
While fracking is whacking these men
Our sweet apertures have been abused by these boors
Though it's nice to be virgin (again).

TEQUILA TAMPON by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 7

Ludi Jadeness, husky bra-filling voluptuous chick
Fond of finding new forms of fun for her vagina
Of all the tricks and kicks this gal might choose to pick
The New Game with a tampon could not be much finer
Just take your favorite Tampon -- your faithful old Kotex
Soak it overnight in your favorite drinkin' booze
Insert it in the orifice that you prefer for sex
Rev your Action Engine up to DynaCruise

Ludi soaked her Kotex in Bailey's Irish Cream
Proceeded to have a Vaginal Ball crossed with a Hot Wet Dream

Her sweet boy, Russ Vitessa, preferred a man for meat
Still enjoyed sweepin' Sweet Ludi off her fat flat feet
Soaked one of her Kotices (note the enticing plural)
In 80 proof Jim Beam, for anal tweak endural.
So, with Ludi sailin' on, tweaked by her Irish Bailey's,
Russ had a Buttcomet rivaling that of Haley's!

So they rocked and they reeled and the rockin' got much realer
When they soaked what they inserted on 100 proof tequila.
And they reeled and they rocked and they gave each other sass
Put a salt rim on their buttchops and got drunk out of their ass!

* A true story, recounted by Stephen Colbert, who is always truthful.

PICKET BURN by Dennis Doph aka Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 6

Mitt Romney
Is nothing if not essentially versatile
A flash of those teeth
Could shine out for a mile
Squaring those manly shoulders
Could make an old woman young
always contrives
To seem kind of manly and hung
Can take a firm position
With obligations infinite
Then change his position
As soon as he'd begin it
Constant flipflopping
Simply makes no sense
And he has Picket Burn on his ass
From straddling the fence.

His Baggage has its own Baggage
Always subject to change
Grandpa's butt is too cold
To ride this particular range
Thinks he has Moxie
Like a real political rockstar
Then he straps the family dog
To the roof of his car
Supported Universal Healthcare in dear old Massachusetts
Now condemns anything but private healthcare
For your Whatsis or your Whoosis

Advocated arbitration with Iran for quite a long spell
Now firmly behind blowing
75 million Persians to hell
Thought Freedom of Choice
Was the bellwether for all women
Now thinks Personhood should be granted
To every precious drop of semen

Been Out There for years
We always know where to find him
Still no more than 23% of Republicans
Care to get behind him
Cold as a cucumber;
Why should we care?
Long as he remembers
To change his Magic Underwear

Thinks his boring chambray shirts
Qualify him as a Cuntsman
there is ONE intelligent Republican/Mormon candidate
But his name is Jon Huntsman

Herman Cain's
Having "J" for Jesus carved on his perineum
Is pretty intense
But Romney has Picket Burn on his Michigan stern
From sitting on that fence!

HE SAW WHAT HE DID by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 5

Penn State sure hires the hottest guys to be assistants for their Game
When the Name of the Game is Footbaw, it's never connected with shame
So imagine the shame of Mike McQueary who'd never been connected with smut
When he saw his boss Jerry Sandusky having a little boy up his butt!

"Why are you so merry, big handsome Jerry
Thrashing about in the shower there?
Is that boy eleven or possibly seven?
You make an amazing pair!
There's something about his eyes and the way that he cries
As he hits the shower wall with a thump
There's something about the look on your face
As you match him hump for hump."

"O! No, McQueary, don't make me weary," moaned Sandusky, sequestering his cock.
"Don't have revulsions about the boy's convulsions as he goes into serial shock."
So McQueary played the tool but he was no one's fool or a stiff from Dante's Inferno
So he screwed his courage to the sticking place
And told his story to Coach Paterno.

"You saw what he did, that snotty kid?" asked Paterno, filing his nails,
"The way to keep a kid straight and athletically great
Is to shtupp him when all else fails."
But McQueary insisted, Poppa Joe got blistered when he failed to reciprocate shock.
What McQueary sez was reported to Spanier the Prez
Trying to clean Sandusky's clock.

"We must win the game! Yes! We must win the game!
Our responses must always please
The blue of the welts on a little boy's ass or the blue of the Viennese.
So have another chaw! It's about FOOTBAW and Penn State has never been queer.
So let this not be about Jerry Sandusky or any personalities here."

So time pressed on, opportunity was gone or so everybody had said.
But in just a few weeks the janitor peeks at Sandusky giving head.
Had a ten-year-old boy's shorts down around his ankles
While the boy was croakin' like a toad
Sandusky's satisfaction was pure throat action getting one more pre-pubertal load.

So the janitor told McQueary, lookin' kinda bleary ... McQueary told Paterno again
Paterno said, "Shit! This is the end of it -- I'm not coppin' out on my Men!"
But McQueary said, "Coach, this guy is a roach ... just about the worst of the bunch
And between each rugger he plays the Bugger and eats boy protien for lunch."

Paterno took the stand with hat in hand hoisting Spanier upon his petard
Spanier said, "Ignore it, Though we just adore it and we all know
Sandusky gets HARD."

But the word was out, they all commenced to shout, circling each other like sharks
Sandusky then pumped up his Acumen and exhibited a few more larks.
Now they're all in the soup, every man in the group and Penn State is against the wall
They all saw what he did, to each luckless kid, but he sure had one helluva ball!

So Fight, Fight, for Dear Penn State , forget each Dear Little Kipper
Though each rosebud might bloom in the locker room
To the sound of Sandusky's zipper.
Footbaw's the name of the game that SELLS to the athletic community
We all see what we do to each one of you
...and you better watch out for me!

TO EAT AND BE EATEN by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe . 4

Sat on my deck
Overlooking the misty Pacific
Picking my scalp Ruminating
Scabs, sores, dandruff
Scaly patches my conditioner
Would not eliminate Found
Tiny patch of flaky scalp
Hardly significant enough
To be called a scab
Picked it, examined it,
Threw it on the floor of the deck

Small Mother ant came running
From a crack intent on this semi-scab
Seized it, carried it away reeling
Drunkenly toward another crack
In the floorboards Disappearing
with my semi-scab Suddenly
Become so precious

Fantasized Mother and and Ten
Baby Ants gorging themselves
on my useless semi scab

Thought about the ants American Ants
Scrabbling to make themselves Precious
So Precious they must be elected to office

Pizza Ant who hits on blond women
Pretends it never happened

Homeschooled Lady Ant
Calls everyone Socialist if they fall
Outside her Evangelical purview

Boring Dad Ant son of another Dad Ant
Boring as hell Trying desperately
To distinguish himself from other
Dad Ants None so desperately boring
As He He
Is the frontrunner by default

Much disrespected Gay-Hating Ant
Pennsylvania Family Values Ant
Whose name cannot be Googled
Without revulsion Refers to all
Sex outside of Hetero as Man-on-Dog

Texas Ant who has never been defeated
Cannot imagine being defeated
Craggy in his weathered handsomeness
Stupid
In his ability to whore himself out
for anything

The Right of Center Ant Brigade
Eating us Trying to devour us
Elevate their minuscule Antness
Above ours

Slowly
Another of these predatory Ant Monsters
Seizes another piece of my scalp
Rushes to his hole in the floor
To emerge
Triumphantly sometime before next summer
As the new Front Runner

Some of destined to eat and be eaten
Some of us destined to simply eat
And get fat and become
The next Republican candidate for President

NO GREATER JOY

Parallel Universe. 3

Havin' a ball in Pleasantville Tennessee
Celebratin' the No Greater Joy Ministry
Michael Pearl and wife Debi just get off so fine
Whuppin' their kids with plastic plumbing line.
Pearls advocate strict toilet training and rough home schools
Raise children the way Amish treat their mules.

Admonish parents for being meek and mild
Self-publishing their book To Raise Up a Child.
Christian homeschoolers praise it in their magazines
Conjure up all kinds of delicious scenes.
Pastor Pearl gets a bonerific penis rocket
Flexible plumbing line down deep in his pocket.

Up in Sedro-Woolley, Washington
Larry and Cari Williams were havin' lots of fun
Homeschoolin' Ethiopian kids 11 to 7
Sendin' some of 'em straight up to heaven!
Found Daughter Hana in bad condition
From whuppin', hypothermia and malnutrition.
Larry Williams was an enthusiastic Skagit County rube
Whuppin' his kid with Pearl's plastic tube.

In California in a town called Paradise
Little Lydia Schatz was whupped in a manner awful nice
Parents Kevin and Elizabeth got some funny stares
Whuppin' Little Lydia and sayin' their prayers.
Minister Pearl puts all complaints right into the blower
...He is a champion tomahawk thrower.

"He that spoils the rod, hateth his son."
He says, throwin' that Hawk, havin' more fun.
Finicky homeschoolers, just save your breath.
Buy the book! And have fun
Beating your kid to death.

UZBEKI-BEKI-STAN-STAN by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe . 2

Here in lovely Uzbeki-beki-stan-stan
We search for the perfect brain
And the most perfect one under an Uzbeki sun
Is the one on Herman Cain.

Though he refuses to know the name of our Prez
Nothing could be much clearer
Republicans gasp about everything he says
As he masturbates under a mirror.

There is nothing unclean in Uzbeki-beki-stan-stan
We have no crocodiles in our moat
And the only thing Trekky about dear Uzbeki
is our desire to be fucked by a goat.

So while we yield to the fist of this insistent lobbyist
and set our Peter Meter to SLOW
Wonder how long it takes when the takes off his brakes
And we scream, "Go, Herman! Go!"


As we're getting a tan in Uzbeki-beki-stan
We have focussed our Tan Man Scanner
While he's arranged his attack as a Jet Black Jack
Nobody could get much tanner.

Herman's coasted his Rolls to the top of the polls
He's invented all kinds of new tricks
Though he thinks it's fine to fix on NINE NINE NINE
We're all thinking: SIX SIX SIX.