CHRIST CLIMBED DOWN by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 13*

Christ climbed down off the cross this year
To see what the Teaparty Right had wrought
Curious to discover how many rightwing wonks
Were taking his Blessed Name in vain

Rambled and gambled among Republicans
Donald Trump puffed himself up
flush with self-congratulation. Herman Cain
Climbed off his latest blond conquest

To give his endorsement. Saw the first flight
Air Vladivostok nonstop to Anchorage
Saw Sarah Palin out in her backyard
Shooting at it Incensed that a Russian
Aircraft would enter her space

Went on to Minnesota where Michele Bachmann
Busied herself saving gays from themselves
Her fat husband threw himself down on his knees
Mouth watering, hands trembling, to unzip
The fly of his latest victim

Trolled on to Texas Good ole Ricky Perry
Extolled gayness as a sickness Still threatening
To make Texas secede if he does not get his way
Christ gave Rick a good smack on his secretly boned butt
Passed on

To the Newt Gingrich Show Newt was holding forth
Shlocking his latest historical tome on the Second World War
Brushing the ashes of his first two wives whom he betrayed
With skinny Calista, off his desk to make room for contributions

Passed on to Mitt's new house in Escondido Saw
The tight white family all down on their knees praying
Youngest boy had a bottle of Coca-Cola. dad took the cap
Off the bottle with his tight anus. Christ passed on

To Jon Huntsman still trying to prise a ton more of money
Out of his billionaire father Realizing the Teaparty Right
Will not cotton to him He's Mormon He's intelligent
He will not kiss Trump's ass He can actually construct
A simple sentence without a ghostwriter unlike Mitt
or Newt

His cause is hopeless Republicans are hung up
On Ignorance Christ threw up his hands
Crawled back into Mary's imaginary Womb for another year
When Obama will light the 99% fuse Blow them all to fuck


*thanks to the great Lawrence Ferlinghetti for this juicy idea

GETTING LAID IN DECEMBER by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 12

Getting laid in December
Is a very chancy piece of work
Come on hot & bothered
They think you're some kind of jerk
Walk the streets of Barbara Town
Bulge out to HERE
Stupid man! Advertising your panic
and that you're more than queer

Take it easy!
All good things come to those who wait
Should put a little flex in your pecs
and a spring in your gait
You go off to the deckstore
Looking for Just That Certain Table
The hairy guy with the big hands
Looks way more than cape-able
Sells much more than chairs & tables
or play tennis or golf
Looks like he could unfreeze the dead
and drain this hungry wolf.

His eyelashes move up & down
He takes your postdated check
His Man Thing rides way up in his jeans
Breathes hot & heavy on your neck
See his Man Thing ridin up
Inside his tighty whities
Your Man Thing rides up as well
Your Mouse is more than Mighties

Checkin out your outrageous nips
The way the fur spills out of your shirt
Your Man Thing has become so large
Damn thing is beginning to hurt

Sign the check for the stuff for the deck
Wait till 3 in the Aft
Hairy Guy sends along his Grunt
Who looks like he could give you the shaft
Six foot two just like you
Thick fur spillin out of his collar
He's the Real Thing for your Ding-a-ling
Sound as a Coolidge dollar

Gives you a whack at his hairy buttcrack
As you spot your old orange umbrella
In the new table set, how good does it get
With this roistering well endowed fella?

Guess I'll have to wait till January
To doublegang these sturdy fellows
ain't gettin any action on this Suction Pump
Cojones are blown up like bellows
Nips erect like javelins
Looks like they're threatening to explode
Have to Skype for one of my type
So I can lose this dangerous load

Wait till it's January to get nice & hairy
With these nice & hairy Merry Men
It's so damn hard to get laid in December
When it's damned old Santa all over again!