CRAIGSLIST MONEYSUCKERS by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 11

There's a housewife in far Abilene
Whose pursuits are essentially unclean
She rinses off tripes from her old babywipes
And sells the wipes on the old Craigslist scheme!

In Montecito a man called Perdue
Put his foot into some other shoe
If your chops get all wettish , offers up a foot fetish
With Craigslist providing the clue.

In Santa Barbara some twins named de Paul
Offer twin pleasures ... or nothing at all
While Betty gives head Barb is waiting in bed
For a check. Or your fast VISA scrawl.

Down in Texas in downscale Odessa
There's a haughty old babe named Contessa
she'll sell, on a dare, her mom's old Tupperware
Then check in with her Catholic confessor!

But the best of this lot is those guys
Under rainy Wenatchee Wash skies
Who will offer you blisses from both orifices
And an apple to top off the prize.

If you want either virgins or truckers
You can sort out all these motherfuckers
You can bet that they all will answer your call
These intrepid Craigslist Moneysuckers!

LEFTOVERS by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 10

In the debris after Thanksgiving dinner
I examine my cojones for heft
And examine the thing that swings in between
To see if there's any juice left

Yes!
The Turkey has taken the spunk from its trunk
Cranberry sauce has rouged up the potatoes
And because I like Roughing I'm considering stuffing
Some post-prandial Thanksgiving tomatoes.

Like that Fuzzy Red Man in Chicago
Who shows the red fur in his crack
...and not to be rude, there's that hot Westside Dude
who carries Long Beach on his back.

And over in Bennington Vermont
Is that big Dunhambear in November
Who shows off his chops until his stuff drops
And exhibits the most of his member.

Then there is hot Voglioquello
Known as Cicciotano to some
Who creates a few ripples by showing his nipples
And the thick silky hair on his bum

All of these are Leftovers from some Man Feast
Full of fury and folly and Might
Where we all think it's neat to just munch what we eat
And we all have a big Overbite

But before I dismiss all these agents of bliss
I'll direct you to Fiftyhot in WeHo
Who exists in the shock of a beautiful cock
and a proclivity to give the last Blow

Before we just skate on to Christmas
I'm not immune to any allure
So just grab me by my tuchus, take me into a nuchus
And drive that Thing home when you're sure

That I'm not just another of all your Leftovers
In case you are getting my Dreft
I'm not the kind of base lover to stay undercover
And just let you take what is left!

So take my green eyes, take my strong arms for their size
And without even making a pause
You might just prepare to be willing to share
These Leftovers with Ole Santy Claus!

VIRGIN (AGAIN) by Dennis Doph aka Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 8

Oh
Thanks to the Newt who sure acts kinda cute
When you throw him a gift card from Tiffany's
And thanks to Santorum who knows how to bore 'em
With tales of his Faith and his stiff knees

Thanks to Big Mitt who, while pausing to spit,
straps the dog to his car like a rube
And to Big Herman Cain, while augmenting his name
Thinks Libya is some kind of lube.

And to home schooled Michele while she's giving us hell
Accusing us all of being rank Socialists
Brushing her tresses, busting out of her dresses
While her husband is dropping his wrists.

Though I may be Low Rent I'm a solid 99%
And we'll rule when this fracas is done
So chop off Iraq and that dull Afghan shack
and those suckers whose percentage is One.

To hell with those weasels who drill for more diesels
While fracking is whacking these men
Our sweet apertures have been abused by these boors
Though it's nice to be virgin (again).

TEQUILA TAMPON by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 7

Ludi Jadeness, husky bra-filling voluptuous chick
Fond of finding new forms of fun for her vagina
Of all the tricks and kicks this gal might choose to pick
The New Game with a tampon could not be much finer
Just take your favorite Tampon -- your faithful old Kotex
Soak it overnight in your favorite drinkin' booze
Insert it in the orifice that you prefer for sex
Rev your Action Engine up to DynaCruise

Ludi soaked her Kotex in Bailey's Irish Cream
Proceeded to have a Vaginal Ball crossed with a Hot Wet Dream

Her sweet boy, Russ Vitessa, preferred a man for meat
Still enjoyed sweepin' Sweet Ludi off her fat flat feet
Soaked one of her Kotices (note the enticing plural)
In 80 proof Jim Beam, for anal tweak endural.
So, with Ludi sailin' on, tweaked by her Irish Bailey's,
Russ had a Buttcomet rivaling that of Haley's!

So they rocked and they reeled and the rockin' got much realer
When they soaked what they inserted on 100 proof tequila.
And they reeled and they rocked and they gave each other sass
Put a salt rim on their buttchops and got drunk out of their ass!

* A true story, recounted by Stephen Colbert, who is always truthful.

PICKET BURN by Dennis Doph aka Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 6

Mitt Romney
Is nothing if not essentially versatile
A flash of those teeth
Could shine out for a mile
Squaring those manly shoulders
Could make an old woman young
always contrives
To seem kind of manly and hung
Can take a firm position
With obligations infinite
Then change his position
As soon as he'd begin it
Constant flipflopping
Simply makes no sense
And he has Picket Burn on his ass
From straddling the fence.

His Baggage has its own Baggage
Always subject to change
Grandpa's butt is too cold
To ride this particular range
Thinks he has Moxie
Like a real political rockstar
Then he straps the family dog
To the roof of his car
Supported Universal Healthcare in dear old Massachusetts
Now condemns anything but private healthcare
For your Whatsis or your Whoosis

Advocated arbitration with Iran for quite a long spell
Now firmly behind blowing
75 million Persians to hell
Thought Freedom of Choice
Was the bellwether for all women
Now thinks Personhood should be granted
To every precious drop of semen

Been Out There for years
We always know where to find him
Still no more than 23% of Republicans
Care to get behind him
Cold as a cucumber;
Why should we care?
Long as he remembers
To change his Magic Underwear

Thinks his boring chambray shirts
Qualify him as a Cuntsman
there is ONE intelligent Republican/Mormon candidate
But his name is Jon Huntsman

Herman Cain's
Having "J" for Jesus carved on his perineum
Is pretty intense
But Romney has Picket Burn on his Michigan stern
From sitting on that fence!

HE SAW WHAT HE DID by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe. 5

Penn State sure hires the hottest guys to be assistants for their Game
When the Name of the Game is Footbaw, it's never connected with shame
So imagine the shame of Mike McQueary who'd never been connected with smut
When he saw his boss Jerry Sandusky having a little boy up his butt!

"Why are you so merry, big handsome Jerry
Thrashing about in the shower there?
Is that boy eleven or possibly seven?
You make an amazing pair!
There's something about his eyes and the way that he cries
As he hits the shower wall with a thump
There's something about the look on your face
As you match him hump for hump."

"O! No, McQueary, don't make me weary," moaned Sandusky, sequestering his cock.
"Don't have revulsions about the boy's convulsions as he goes into serial shock."
So McQueary played the tool but he was no one's fool or a stiff from Dante's Inferno
So he screwed his courage to the sticking place
And told his story to Coach Paterno.

"You saw what he did, that snotty kid?" asked Paterno, filing his nails,
"The way to keep a kid straight and athletically great
Is to shtupp him when all else fails."
But McQueary insisted, Poppa Joe got blistered when he failed to reciprocate shock.
What McQueary sez was reported to Spanier the Prez
Trying to clean Sandusky's clock.

"We must win the game! Yes! We must win the game!
Our responses must always please
The blue of the welts on a little boy's ass or the blue of the Viennese.
So have another chaw! It's about FOOTBAW and Penn State has never been queer.
So let this not be about Jerry Sandusky or any personalities here."

So time pressed on, opportunity was gone or so everybody had said.
But in just a few weeks the janitor peeks at Sandusky giving head.
Had a ten-year-old boy's shorts down around his ankles
While the boy was croakin' like a toad
Sandusky's satisfaction was pure throat action getting one more pre-pubertal load.

So the janitor told McQueary, lookin' kinda bleary ... McQueary told Paterno again
Paterno said, "Shit! This is the end of it -- I'm not coppin' out on my Men!"
But McQueary said, "Coach, this guy is a roach ... just about the worst of the bunch
And between each rugger he plays the Bugger and eats boy protien for lunch."

Paterno took the stand with hat in hand hoisting Spanier upon his petard
Spanier said, "Ignore it, Though we just adore it and we all know
Sandusky gets HARD."

But the word was out, they all commenced to shout, circling each other like sharks
Sandusky then pumped up his Acumen and exhibited a few more larks.
Now they're all in the soup, every man in the group and Penn State is against the wall
They all saw what he did, to each luckless kid, but he sure had one helluva ball!

So Fight, Fight, for Dear Penn State , forget each Dear Little Kipper
Though each rosebud might bloom in the locker room
To the sound of Sandusky's zipper.
Footbaw's the name of the game that SELLS to the athletic community
We all see what we do to each one of you
...and you better watch out for me!

TO EAT AND BE EATEN by Wagenblatz

Parallel Universe . 4

Sat on my deck
Overlooking the misty Pacific
Picking my scalp Ruminating
Scabs, sores, dandruff
Scaly patches my conditioner
Would not eliminate Found
Tiny patch of flaky scalp
Hardly significant enough
To be called a scab
Picked it, examined it,
Threw it on the floor of the deck

Small Mother ant came running
From a crack intent on this semi-scab
Seized it, carried it away reeling
Drunkenly toward another crack
In the floorboards Disappearing
with my semi-scab Suddenly
Become so precious

Fantasized Mother and and Ten
Baby Ants gorging themselves
on my useless semi scab

Thought about the ants American Ants
Scrabbling to make themselves Precious
So Precious they must be elected to office

Pizza Ant who hits on blond women
Pretends it never happened

Homeschooled Lady Ant
Calls everyone Socialist if they fall
Outside her Evangelical purview

Boring Dad Ant son of another Dad Ant
Boring as hell Trying desperately
To distinguish himself from other
Dad Ants None so desperately boring
As He He
Is the frontrunner by default

Much disrespected Gay-Hating Ant
Pennsylvania Family Values Ant
Whose name cannot be Googled
Without revulsion Refers to all
Sex outside of Hetero as Man-on-Dog

Texas Ant who has never been defeated
Cannot imagine being defeated
Craggy in his weathered handsomeness
Stupid
In his ability to whore himself out
for anything

The Right of Center Ant Brigade
Eating us Trying to devour us
Elevate their minuscule Antness
Above ours

Slowly
Another of these predatory Ant Monsters
Seizes another piece of my scalp
Rushes to his hole in the floor
To emerge
Triumphantly sometime before next summer
As the new Front Runner

Some of destined to eat and be eaten
Some of us destined to simply eat
And get fat and become
The next Republican candidate for President

NO GREATER JOY

Parallel Universe. 3

Havin' a ball in Pleasantville Tennessee
Celebratin' the No Greater Joy Ministry
Michael Pearl and wife Debi just get off so fine
Whuppin' their kids with plastic plumbing line.
Pearls advocate strict toilet training and rough home schools
Raise children the way Amish treat their mules.

Admonish parents for being meek and mild
Self-publishing their book To Raise Up a Child.
Christian homeschoolers praise it in their magazines
Conjure up all kinds of delicious scenes.
Pastor Pearl gets a bonerific penis rocket
Flexible plumbing line down deep in his pocket.

Up in Sedro-Woolley, Washington
Larry and Cari Williams were havin' lots of fun
Homeschoolin' Ethiopian kids 11 to 7
Sendin' some of 'em straight up to heaven!
Found Daughter Hana in bad condition
From whuppin', hypothermia and malnutrition.
Larry Williams was an enthusiastic Skagit County rube
Whuppin' his kid with Pearl's plastic tube.

In California in a town called Paradise
Little Lydia Schatz was whupped in a manner awful nice
Parents Kevin and Elizabeth got some funny stares
Whuppin' Little Lydia and sayin' their prayers.
Minister Pearl puts all complaints right into the blower
...He is a champion tomahawk thrower.

"He that spoils the rod, hateth his son."
He says, throwin' that Hawk, havin' more fun.
Finicky homeschoolers, just save your breath.
Buy the book! And have fun
Beating your kid to death.